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💭 That Feeling…

You see it. You want it.

You imagine how life will change once it’s yours.

You buy it.

And then…

You wonder why you ever needed it at all.


This isn’t just you—it’s nearly everyone.


Welcome to post-purchase regret, a psychological loop driven by your brain’s reward system. And if we don’t become aware of it, it can lead to financial stress, cluttered lives, and emotional dissatisfaction.



🧪 The Psychology of Wanting


🔁 1. The Hedonic Treadmill

We adapt fast. What once thrilled us becomes background noise. That dopamine hit fades, and we chase the next “fix.”



⚡ 2. Dopamine Loves the Chase

Desire feels good because it fires up dopamine. But dopamine isn’t about having—it’s about wanting. That means once you get it, the buzz fades quickly.



🪞 3. The Fantasy Fallacy

Many purchases are loaded with unconscious hopes:

“This will make me feel confident.”

“This will make me happy.”

“This will make others see me differently.”


But when reality doesn’t match fantasy? Hello, emptiness.



🛠️ CBT: A Tool to Escape the Regret Loop

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) helps us identify distorted thinking and replace it with clarity. Here’s a simple 4-step method you can start using today:



✳️

Step 1: Catch the Thought


Notice your internal monologue:

“I need this.”

“This deal is too good to miss.”


Pause. Ask: Is this a fact… or a feeling?


✳️

Step 2: Challenge the Thought

  • What’s the evidence it’ll improve my life?

  • Have I felt this before? What happened then?

  • Am I bored, stressed, or lonely?


✳️

Step 3: Reframe It

From: “This will change everything.”

To: “This might feel exciting now, but it might not matter in a week.”


✳️

Step 4: Delay the Decision

Give yourself 48 hours.


Ask yourself:

  • If I already had this, would I buy it again?

  • Could this money be used for something deeper or more lasting?



🧘‍♀️ Try This Quick Thought Experiment

Visualize this item already in your possession.

Now ask:

“Would I still want this today, or is it just the chase?”


That one question can save you thousands—and give you back your peace of mind.


💬 Final Thoughts

You don’t have to live with regret or guilt around your purchases.

You just need awareness, intention, and a little CBT.

Desire isn’t the enemy—impulsivity is.


✨ Because the real upgrade isn’t in your cart.

It’s in your clarity.


📢 Share This Post

If you found this helpful, chances are someone you love is stuck in the same loop.

Share this blog post to help friends or family make more mindful, regret-free decisions.


Together, we can create a smarter, more conscious world—one purchase at a time 💛

 
 

“I know how guys think. I used to be that guy. That’s why I’m worried for her.”

— A father, trying to protect his Gen Z daughter from a world that has changed… and hasn’t.


In a recent session, a father shared his growing concern about his Gen Z daughter — a beautiful, confident, and flirtatious young woman who is constantly in the spotlight. He described her as lazy and defiant, with little interest in the family business. What unsettled him most, however, was the attention she attracted and the way she seemed unaware—or unbothered—by the risks that come with it.


He admitted he was once the kind of guy who would chase girls like her. Now, as a father, that memory fills him with dread.


👨‍👧 A Father’s Fear: When Protection Masks Projection

The father’s story is not uncommon. In psychology, we understand this as a form of projective identification (Klein, 1946)—where past behaviors, regrets, or traits are projected onto someone else, often leading to controlling or protective behavior.


In this case, his former self — the young man who “messed around” — becomes the lens through which he views all the men who now pursue his daughter. He doesn’t just fear the world; he fears a repeat of his own past.


💃 Gen Z Expression or Emotional Blindspot?

What one generation calls flirtation, another might call confidence.

What one sees as laziness, another experiences as disengagement or lack of resonance.

What a father interprets as recklessness, might actually be exploration.


Gen Z girls today are growing up in a world of Instagram aesthetics, TikTok virality, and constant social feedback. Beauty is not just identity—it’s often capital. However, this visibility comes at a cost: the line between empowerment and objectification is razor-thin, and not always visible from the inside.


🧠 Beneath the Surface: Two People Trying to Be Heard

At its core, this isn’t a story about sexuality, or work ethic, or parenting.

It’s a story about misalignment.


  • A father whose protection is mistaken for control.

  • A daughter whose autonomy feels like rebellion.

  • A generational clash where both are speaking, but neither feels heard.


What they need is not correction, but connection.


🔧 Therapeutic Approaches That Help

  1. Narrative Therapy

Helps the father re-author his role—not as a guilt-driven protector, but as a guide who trusts.


  1. Feminist-Informed CBT

Supports the daughter in navigating confidence and body autonomy, while building emotional boundaries.



  1. Family Systems Therapy

Looks at the entire family dynamic—especially enmeshment, triangulation, and boundary confusion.


  1. Psychoeducation

On media influence, male gaze theory (Mulvey, 1975), and healthy relationship modelling.


💬 A Final Word

This father-daughter tension is a mirror of our cultural moment:

A time where women are told to “own their bodies,” but rarely taught how to protect their hearts.

Where fathers want to keep their daughters safe, but may lack the language of emotional intimacy.


At its best, therapy becomes a neutral pit stop—where both can recalibrate, reflect, and re-engage.


References:


  • Klein, M. (1946). Notes on some schizoid mechanisms.

  • Mulvey, L. (1975). Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema.

  • Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice.


 
 

When Netflix’s You first dropped, it wasn’t just the twisted plot or Penn Badgley’s piercing stares that kept us hooked — it was the discomforting intimacy of hearing Joe Goldberg’s internal monologue… and realizing we were starting to empathize with him.


But recently, something curious happened: in You Season 5, the show introduced Dungeons & Dragons-style alignment labels like Chaotic Evil and Lawful Neutral — sparking a deeper question:


Is Joe Goldberg really chaotic evil? Or is there a much more disturbing, and psychologically complex, truth behind his behavior?


As a psychologist (and yes, a binge-watcher), I couldn’t resist diving in. Let’s dissect the mind of Joe — through clinical lenses, alignment theory, and our own uncomfortable attraction to dangerous people.


Joe Goldberg: Chaotic Evil or Complex Narcissist?


In classic alignment terms:

  • Chaotic Evil: Driven by selfish desires, no regard for law, order, or morality — just pure chaos.

  • Lawful Evil: Has a twisted moral code but sticks to it.

  • Neutral Evil: Pragmatic villain — does what benefits them.


Joe isn’t chaotic just for fun — he believes in his own narrative of love. He kills for love. He stalks for connection. He covers up murder because he believes he’s doing the right thing.


That’s not chaotic. That’s delusional moral justification — a hallmark of certain personality structures.


Clinical Breakdown: Joe Through a Psychological Lens

1. Narcissistic Personality Traits

Joe sees himself as the hero of every story. His partners are never equals — they’re objects he places on pedestals. When they fail to meet his fantasy? He punishes them.

  • Grandiose belief that he’s more “pure” than others

  • Requires admiration (even if through fear or control)

  • Lacks genuine empathy — though he simulates it well


2. Antisocial Features

Not full-blown ASPD, but he checks several boxes:

  • Repeated lawbreaking

  • Deceit, manipulation

  • Lack of remorse (masked by rationalizations)


But what separates him from textbook antisocial types is how desperately he wants to be good. He tries to justify. That’s the terrifying part.


3. Disorganized Attachment + Childhood Trauma

Joe’s early abuse and abandonment fuel his intense fear of rejection and his need to control romantic partners.

  • Disorganized attachment = push-pull dynamic with love and violence

  • Abandonment leads to obsessive possession, not genuine connection


The Unreliable Narrator — and the Viewer’s Blind Spot

Joe’s most dangerous weapon? His internal monologue.


We hear his rationalizations. We get context. We see him hold babies and cry while he’s burying bodies.


This intimacy tricks our brains into building a parasocial bond.


You’re not just watching Joe — you’re being spoken to by him.


And that makes his gaslighting even more effective… on us.


Why Are We Attracted to Joe?

Let’s be honest — if Joe looked like a greasy basement-dweller, we’d call the cops in Episode 1.


But he’s attractive, reads books, makes artisanal coffee, and saves a child from abuse.


This is the “hot sociopath effect”:

  • We project our desires onto them

  • We confuse emotional intensity with passion

  • We excuse red flags because… “he’s just misunderstood”


There’s even research supporting this: People high in Dark Triad traits (narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy) are often rated as more attractive, especially in short-term mating contexts (Jonason & Webster, 2010).


So… What Is Joe?


He’s not chaotic evil.


He’s far scarier.


He’s the well-intentioned villain who genuinely believes he’s saving the people he destroys. He’s a cocktail of narcissistic injury, unresolved trauma, and weaponized charm.


Joe isn’t terrifying because he kills.

He’s terrifying because he thinks he’s the good guy — and he almost makes you believe it too.


Final Thoughts (For the Psych Nerds)

Want to dig deeper?


Here are a few academic lenses worth exploring:

  • Hare Psychopathy Checklist

  • Object Relations Theory (he splits partners into perfect or toxic)

  • Erotomania (delusional belief that someone loves you)

  • Cognitive Dissonance Theory (the viewer’s moral confusion)


Want More Psychology x Pop Culture Deep Dives?

If this post got your brain buzzing, share it with someone who still thinks Joe Goldberg is just “misunderstood” (we need to talk to them 😅).


Got a character, show, or story you’d like me to analyze next? Leave a comment below or reach out — I’d love to unpack it with you.


👉 For more weekly insights into the psychology of love, identity, obsession, and everything in between, visit www.DrGoh.net/blog


Let’s turn binge-watching into brain fuel 🖤


Either way, stay aware of who’s narrating your story — and whether they think you’re a character to be loved… or controlled.


💋

 
 
Gerald Goh PsyD Pte Ltd
UEN: 202103338K

©2023 by Gerald Goh PsyD Pte Ltd. 

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